Am I really that different?
This is the question I ask myself after each year on my birthday. I look back at the promises I made to myself, to others and to God. Most people look in the mirror and are disappointed with their aging as years go by, and I was no different. Now instead I look into my journal and see if I’ve grown “older” in the person I am; If I am wiser, making better choices than I did the year previous. My disappoint does not come from growing “older” in that way, but by staying the same; by not changing and by not growing.
My biggest fear has become the slew of pages I write, filled with biblical truths about man and his separation from God, and what I must to strengthen that relationship again. Fear in writing what I know to be true but doing very little to follow it.
This year was no different. As I took time to reflect upon the last year, while enjoying the beautiful lake view at my mom’s cottage, I knew I had failed to meet my very reasonable goals.
Truth is, these goals were already years old and I was nowhere closer to fulfilling a better relationship with my wife, my children and my Saviour.
Maybe I’m being a little hard on myself when judging my actions by the world’s standards, but I don’t live by those standards. I’ve been called to be transformed, to be separate and to act holy in my thoughts and actions. Not because I’m better than anyone else, but because it’s part of the life I chose when I accepted my Saviour’s gift to be made new by his Grace. Where was this “new” me?
Sure I’ve grown as a father and husband since I started this journey, maybe even as a friend, and I was nowhere close to the man I was before I knew God, but it was time to look at where I didn’t grow as I had hoped; where I got stale and comfortable – after all, nobody changes without some honest reflection and I was hoping to do some of that now.
I decided to review this little moleskin notebook I had written all these things into, plus a few other writings I had compiled, and copy over the important parts into a new book I had made that would be my “one book to rule them all!” Consolidation is a good thing. Like many things I’ve collected over the years, I also collected leather bound journals and notebooks of all types. It was time to put all my thoughts and prayers, favourite quotes and scripture and whatever else I felt inspired by, into one book. This books would have the Scriptures attached for quick reference.
As I copied things over I could reflect on their importance. This was my main goal while spending a few weeks at my moms cottage on Manitoulin, before heading back to the trailer in Bellville where it would be more difficult to do something like this.
I looked over my personal growth goals and was excited to put them into action. It would require a lot of prayer; something I was lacking in the past. I hope to make that a more of a priority along with reading His Word more.
Sometimes I forget that moment I wrote a certain promise, or I forget why a particular scripture meant enough to me to copy down. I cherish these times when I can clear my head of all distractions and remember why I did. That truly refresh my soul. At these times I can honestly say, “It is well, it is well, with my soul”.