Listening to: High Valley – I Be U Be
(One of my favourite running songs.)
I’ve been watching a lot of The Bucket List Family recently, completely devouring their weekly vlogs. I’m on Week 65, which means I’m a little more than halfway done. (It was hard to admit that, since I only started watching a couple weeks ago.)
One of the things I really admire about them is their ability to meet their goals. I’ve never really been a person who sets high goals for myself and takes steps to achieve them. I enjoy thinking about the goals, dreaming about what it would be like to reach those goals, but ultimately I never actually start to work on achieving the goals because I overwhelm myself with all of the challenges I might encounter.
We’ve hopped to our last island on this Hawaiian adventure of ours and the Big Island is our longest stay which naturally lends itself to dreaming of a normal schedule. One of the things I’m dreaming about is getting back into exercising. Garret and Jessica Gee of The Bucket List Family have made healthy lifestyles a priority, and have inspired me with motivation to get active again.
BUT! (That single word paralyzes me into never doing anything.)
Can I really sustain waking up at 6am to exercise every morning before everyone wakes up? Why can’t I just move my exercise to another time? What if something comes up during that new time? What if I get cramps because my stomach is full at that new time? What if the kids are too distracting? What about when we get back home, does this new routine make sense? What about showering after sweating through a workout with such limited water in the trailer? What about my sweaty hair? What if I can’t get to bed at a decent hour? Is the running path near our Airbnb safe? Will I be safe running with my phone? Maybe I should change up the days that I run so I’m not predictable? Should we just buy the Apple watch and wireless headphones so I’m less of a target for theft? Does it even make sense to drive a car to a running path? Will the car be stinky after driving back home? How hot will it be at 6am? Where will I run once we’re on the road again? Is it weird to run laps around a Walmart parking lot?
See!? Total paralysis.
I remember how good I used to feel when I was exercising, when I was strengthening my body and using my muscles the way they were meant to be used. I loved not being able to walk down stairs because my quads were too sore, or really enjoying an afternoon siesta because my morning run was hardcore. I loved how strong I felt when I exercised, and I want to get that feeling back.
Lately, there have been many things going on that not many people know about, none of which involve the four loved ones with me… But they’re things I won’t share (this ain’t no gossip blog y’all, and I ain’t no celebrity). The culmination of those things have really worn me out and have increased my lack of self-esteem. I’ve started to feel awful about everything from my parenting and marriage, to my eating habits and facial cleansing routine. I’ve basically nit-picked my life apart, to come to the completely illogical conclusion that everything has to change.
Deep down, I know I’m doing a few things well… And in time, I know that the clouds will clear and those few things will be revealed in God’s good timing. For now, I just have to fall back in love with the endorphin rush, and remember that nothing has to change overnight.
And wake up tomorrow at 6am.