Cynthia’s Thoughts

Listening to: High Valley – I Be U Be
(One of my favourite running songs.)

I’ve been watching a lot of The Bucket List Family recently, completely devouring their weekly vlogs. I’m on Week 65, which means I’m a little more than halfway done. (It was hard to admit that, since I only started watching a couple weeks ago.)

One of the things I really admire about them is their ability to meet their goals. I’ve never really been a person who sets high goals for myself and takes steps to achieve them. I enjoy thinking about the goals, dreaming about what it would be like to reach those goals, but ultimately I never actually start to work on achieving the goals because I overwhelm myself with all of the challenges I might encounter.

We’ve hopped to our last island on this Hawaiian adventure of ours and the Big Island is our longest stay which naturally lends itself to dreaming of a normal schedule. One of the things I’m dreaming about is getting back into exercising. Garret and Jessica Gee of The Bucket List Family have made healthy lifestyles a priority, and have inspired me with motivation to get active again.

BUT! (That single word paralyzes me into never doing anything.)

Can I really sustain waking up at 6am to exercise every morning before everyone wakes up? Why can’t I just move my exercise to another time? What if something comes up during that new time? What if I get cramps because my stomach is full at that new time? What if the kids are too distracting? What about when we get back home, does this new routine make sense? What about showering after sweating through a workout with such limited water in the trailer? What about my sweaty hair? What if I can’t get to bed at a decent hour? Is the running path near our Airbnb safe? Will I be safe running with my phone? Maybe I should change up the days that I run so I’m not predictable? Should we just buy the Apple watch and wireless headphones so I’m less of a target for theft? Does it even make sense to drive a car to a running path? Will the car be stinky after driving back home? How hot will it be at 6am? Where will I run once we’re on the road again? Is it weird to run laps around a Walmart parking lot?

See!? Total paralysis.

I remember how good I used to feel when I was exercising, when I was strengthening my body and using my muscles the way they were meant to be used. I loved not being able to walk down stairs because my quads were too sore, or really enjoying an afternoon siesta because my morning run was hardcore. I loved how strong I felt when I exercised, and I want to get that feeling back.

Lately, there have been many things going on that not many people know about, none of which involve the four loved ones with me… But they’re things I won’t share (this ain’t no gossip blog y’all, and I ain’t no celebrity). The culmination of those things have really worn me out and have increased my lack of self-esteem. I’ve started to feel awful about everything from my parenting and marriage, to my eating habits and facial cleansing routine. I’ve basically nit-picked my life apart, to come to the completely illogical conclusion that everything has to change.

Deep down, I know I’m doing a few things well… And in time, I know that the clouds will clear and those few things will be revealed in God’s good timing. For now, I just have to fall back in love with the endorphin rush, and remember that nothing has to change overnight.

And wake up tomorrow at 6am.

Listening to: Kolohe Kai – Paradise

I was listening to prayers being prayed over my family and myself for the next part of our journey. People who I love dearly were praying for God to bless our time, for God to reveal Himself to us, for God to help us grow closer as a family. That’s when the weight of these next six months really settled on me… My good, good Father has already blessed me with the opportunity to live in this place, to rub elbows with locals who have captured my heart, to explore the beauty of these islands that He created.

That night I realized that we have a chance to allow our six months in Hawai’i to be a flag in the ground kind of moment, we can use this time to call upon the Lord for wisdom and direction and ask for our hearts and eyes to be open to His plan for us here. I won’t have a schedule and I won’t have many responsibilities, both of which I can use as an excuse to not spend time with God.

Listening to: Carrie Underwood – How Great Thou Art

As I was growing up, I rarely identified with people my age. I was always looking to the future, to this longing that I had, but could never put my finger on. That longing made me different, it made me think of my teenage friendships as fleeting, not something that I should hold on to. I felt as if I viewed life differently than all of my peers… I always felt ahead of them somehow. These feelings made me feel like I never quite fit in.

I can’t say that this is truth, but I can confidently suspect that God was present even in those years of unbelief—at work in my life, stirring up my heart to yearn for something greater than I whatever it was that I presently settled in—stirring up my heart to not quite fit in.

Listening to: Coldplay – Strawberry Swing

After seven months of travelling, I grew weary of thinking about Brooklin as we drove more and more north. I was apprehensive about coming back to our friends and family after such a short time away. I felt like we weren’t done travelling and I wasn’t done learning what God was trying to teach me. I didn’t know how to explain how we spent our time over the last seven months, I didn’t know what conclusions to draw for anyone, I didn’t know how to respond to everyone’s reactions over our homecoming. Honestly, I was more excited to see my Auntie Janie (Who was fostering our cats… And I say “was” because she informed me that they’re officially her cats now and won’t let us have them back. I knew that would happen, she loves cats too much and our cats are the best cats in the world. And I don’t think you’re understanding me—they are literally the best cats in the whole world.) and our cats than I was to go back to Brooklin. 

Listening to: Elvis Presley – Memories

The night before I visited Graceland, I could barely contain my excitement. I couldn’t fall asleep because I was too darn excited to be at Graceland the next day. I couldn’t figure out why it was too much for me to handle… I wasn’t huge Elvis fan, I wasn’t counting down the days until I got to visit the mansion… I racked my brain for reasons why I would be so excited and then I realized that this was 26 years in the making.